Friends for a Reason, Season or Lifetime

Close your eyes and picture you and your bestie.  Maybe you’re on a shopping spree at the mall or relaxing on a girl’s trip.  Maybe you two are laughing hysterically, tears rolling down your face - trying not to wet your pants (yep, I said it – if you’re over 40, you know what I mean).  Girlfriends have a special relationship.  As women, we relate to each other through our hopes, dreams, fears and struggles.  We share the most intimate details of our lives, trusting our friends will provide love, understanding and honesty in return. The bond can be stronger than family and makes us question if blood is really thicker than water. So, what happens when the friend you’ve grown to love like a sister is suddenly gone?  What do you do when your bestie releases you from the friendship and walks away? It happens – and it hurts. 

      Picture it, Atlanta, (I’m having a Sophia moment).  Four novice teachers met at a small elementary school and became the best of friends.  Krystal - married with kids, me – the newlywed, and Ciara and Mikela, the two sassy singles. We spent our days trying to do right by the children we were entrusted to educate and care for – our nights engaged with family or side hustles.  We bonded over the challenges of endless paperwork, tight school budgets and children that struggled to learn, with parents that struggled to get by.  Despite the challenges, we found joy in our work and our friendship.  At the start of the school year, Joan, a new teacher in the building, joined our school and our sister circle.  We were excited to have another strong, intelligent sister to share laughs, struggles and triumphs with.  Our quartet was now a quintet!   

      At the end of the school year, I decided to resign.  I was eight months pregnant with my first child and decided to become a stay-at-home mom. One by one, Krystal, Ciara, Mikela and Joan moved on as well. Ciara moved to Dubai and began teaching for the Department of Defense.  Krystal, Mikela and Joan all went to different schools.  The days of seeing one another every day had ended, but the friendship thrived.  We stayed in touch with Ciara by phone and Facebook and hung out whenever she came stateside.  Krystal, Mikela, Joan and I met up for lunches, dinners and catchup sessions. 

     Fast forward to 2020.  Life had changed for all of us.  I was divorced with two teenagers and about to get remarried.  Ciara was divorced (also about to get remarried), had a son, and was living in Spain. Mikela was married with a son.  Krystal was divorced with three adult children and Joan had two adult kids and a teenager.  COVID was in full swing.  No more lunches or girls’ night out for these besties.  We had to settle for girls’ night in.  Every few weeks we would send a Zoom meeting link and talk for hours through a screen, sipping wine and laughing like teenagers. No make-up, no high heels, and no drive home.  Who knew we would have such a glorious time!  After COVID restrictions lifted, I was excited to get back to our brunches, lunches and girl’s nights out.  But something was different. 

     Planning a night out had always been a challenge. Finding bestie time with kids, families and long workdays made it hard to carve out time, but we always found a way.  We messaged back and forth in our group chat until we found a day, time and place that worked for everyone. Then we’d meet up, catch up, cut up and head home.  We were back to our glorious times face to face, minus one bestie, Joan.  Joan started cancelling the day before girls’ night.  She’d text the group and say something came up but to go on without her.   The first time was disappointing, the second time was surprising, the third was concerning.  Cancelling on us had become the norm.

I would always call Joan shortly after a missed girls’ night to catch up.  We usually caught each other early in the morning on our way to work.  Instead of her answering, I got voicemail. I’d text “call me when you get a chance.”  Sometimes the call back took days.  I shrugged it off and charged it to her busy schedule. She had just gotten a new, challenging job and seemed to be traveling a lot.  But the days had turned into weeks and soon I couldn’t remember the last time we talked.  One day out of the blue, she sent a message in the group text – it was a video of her delivering a eulogy at her father’s funeral.  My heart sank. Had he been sick?  Why didn’t she tell us he passed away?  The next day I found myself on her doorstep with a basket of wine, flowers and a card from the besties. 

She was surprised and happy to see me.  She told me her father’s death was sudden, and she was struggling. Work was also a beast. She apologized and said she had been so busy and consumed; she hadn’t stayed in touch. I told her I understood, but what I didn’t understand was why she didn’t reach out to me. I would have been there for her.  I pushed the thought away. We were reconnected now and that was all that mattered. I was about to suggest we pop open the wine and catch up when she grabbed her keys and said she was about to meet some friends for dinner. Dinner. . .  with friends? Did I hear her right?  She ushered me to the door, gave me a quick hug and said she’d call me later.  I was stunned.

She finally called after several weeks.  I told her I was having a 50 and fabulous birthday party – dress to impress, great food, great wine and a great time!  I was even turning my dining room into a dance floor. All the besties had to be there! There was no way Joan would miss this . . . or so I thought.  I was wrong.  She told me she was going out of town for work that weekend. But I’ll come by and help you decorate, she said. Her words felt hollow.  She never showed up.  And just like that, the door was closed on me and our friendship. 

Over the next year, I called and text Joan periodically – usually with no response.  Mikela and Crystal kept in touch with us both and tried to rekindle our friendship, to no avail.  A year and a half later, I ran into Joan at a conference.  She smiled, hugged me and greeted me with hey friend!  She told me how busy she had been, and that Krystal and Mikela told her I said I was done with her and the friendship.  I locked eyes with Joan and told her that friends make friends a priority, and it was okay that I was no longer a priority in her life.  She forced a smile and said she would call me for lunch so we could talk it out.  That was the last time we spoke. 

I’ll probably never know why my friendship with Joan ended. It left me confused and hurt.  It would have been easier if we just had a huge fight and called it quits, but watching the friendship slowly disintegrate and take its final breath was heartbreaking.  It felt like standing at a gravesite watching the casket disappear into the ground. But thank God for closure.

They say time heals all wounds.  I’m not sure all wounds fully heal, but they can get better.  Time has allowed me to reflect on my friendship with Joan and realize that it was beautiful and valuable.  Joan and I came into each other’s lives for a reason and a season.

  We supported each other during hard times and celebrated when times were good. We learned from one another and navigated the transitions of life, as friends.  When a lifetime of friendship is not possible, a season or a reason will do.