Finding Love After 40, God's Way

Name: Angie. Age: 44. Children: 2. Marital status: divorced.

Divorce was not one of my life goals nor was it on my to do list. Graduating from college — on the list. Starting a career — of course. Having kids —for sure. Getting married — absolutely! Getting divorced — wait what??? Divorce was an ironic surprise in my predictable, status quo life. Although unexpected, being single after 40 wasn’t the tragedy I thought it would be. In fact, God had a blessing in store for me that I never saw coming.

I was initiated into the 40+Singles Club through divorce. Some women become members by remaining  unmarried while others join as widows. About 25% of women around age 40 have never been married and 30-40% are divorced. Twelve percent are widowed. Each woman’s journey to single life is vastly different. For me, navigating solo after two decades of being tethered to someone else, felt like living life “on the outside” after a 20-year prison sentence. Now I’m not throwing shade. The marriage wasn’t like being in a prison,  but living life as a single woman after being married for so long was like living in a different world. Everything felt new and strange. Especially dating. 

My stomach was churning so bad on the way to my first date, I had to stop at Walgreens and get some Pepto Bismol. I just knew I was going to throw up all over the dinner table and run out of the restaurant looking like a fool. It was awful. But when I finally got past the awkwardness and embraced my new life as a single, I realized that dating was fun! I started to believe that God would show me how to find love again. So, here are my five tips for finding love after 40. 

TIP # 1: PRIORITIZE NEEDS OVER WANTS

For years I had no idea what I needed, just a laundry list of wants with a few needs sprinkled in here and there. My man had to be handsome, successful, a Christian, romantic, kind – the list went on and on. I was so focused on my superficial wants that I neglected to prioritize my needs. My oversight became apparent when married life got demanding. Suddenly I had two kids, a house and a new job.  All things I prayed for and was so blessed to receive, but how many of you know that alongside blessings come burdens. 

I wouldn’t go back and change the choices I made as a younger woman, but the more mature version of me realizes that children, a house and a career suck the energy, patience and life out of you.  When you start feeling the stress that comes with all those blessings, you need a partner to share the responsibilities and lighten the load. You need someone that will inconvenience themselves to support you. Someone that considers you in every decision they make, no matter how big or small. 

So ladies, pull out that What I Want in a Man list and change the title to What I Need in a Man. Make your needs the priority and move those superficial qualities to the “nice to have” category.  Fancy cars and candlelight dinners are nice, but they won’t sustain your relationship when times get tough.

TIP #2: BE OPEN TO DATING DIFFERENT KINDS OF MEN

Fill in the blank: Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of _________. You got it, insanity! I hate to admit it, but I have a type. Tall, caramel brown, athletic build and bald. Don’t judge me — you know you have a type too! Whether it’s a certain look, status, or lifestyle we ladies tend to gravitate toward the same man with a different name over and over again. Why not switch things up? If you always date white- collar guys go out with a blue-collar guy. Never dated outside your race? Give it a shot. Consider a guy that’s short, or really tall — slim or a little chunky. How about a guy with twists, locks or no hair at all? The characteristics that create our “types” are in the “nice to have but not needed” category. Remember, needs - not wants are the priority.

TIP #3: BE PREPARED TO SPLIT TIME WITH KIDS

If you’re 40+, you probably have kids. Well guess what, so do the men in your age group. In fact, 80% of men in their forties have children. Single men often co-parent and do not live with their children.This means they’ll have their kids on weekends, holidays and possibly the entire summer. Not the best scenario for spontaneous getaways, so keep this in mind when dating. If you don’t have kids or are an empty nester, this could be a deal breaker. On the other hand, a man with children might be your perfect match. As a couple, you can partner in raising the children and build relationships that enrich the children’s lives as well as yours. Just go into the situation knowing that you’ll have to share the love of your life with other people that love him too. 

TIP #4: PRESENT THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF

I’m going to tell you something my husband always tells me. Men are visual. When a man looks at a you, he’s not thinking about how intelligent, kind or Christ-like you are. Men admire women from the outside. They feel attraction when they notice something about you that gets their attention.   It could be your hairstyle, your smile, your outfit, or just the way you carry yourself. That means you must present the best version of yourself if we want to be noticed. Reality check – there are a lot of women out there looking for a good man. Men typically make the first move when they’re interested, so give men a reason to approach you instead of someone else.

Here’s a freebie ladies. If you want to meet someone, get out of the house!  The man of your dreams is not going to ring your doorbell— unless you’ve got your eye on the Amazon delivery guy. Go to social events;  parties, festivals, concerts or join an online dating website. Yes, I said dating website. Some dating sites are cesspools, so choose wisely, but if you’re willing to weed through some shady characters and deal with some ghosting, you could meet the love of your life. I did! So, whether in person or online, present the best version of yourself.

TIP #5: BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP GOALS

If you’re in the 40+ Singles Club and want to date, take some time to think about your relationship goals. You may want companionship but not romance.  You may be looking for a husband or just want a serious relationship. Share your relationship goals with the men you date and ask them about their goals. If you want to be a wife, tell him.  If he says he’s not interested in getting married, or acts like he can’t commit, make that the last date. Like Maya Angelou said, when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.   Invest your time and energy in a man who wants to be a husband. Research shows that 73% percent of men age 30-44 remarry — 50% of men age 45-54 remarry. The odds are in your favor ladies! Trust God and know that there are men out there who want the same thing you do – you just need to connect. 

 I hope these tips help you find your happily ever after on this rollercoaster we call dating in the 40+ Singles Club. Regardless of who you date, I pray you find love God’s way.